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Just received a text from Arthur requesting I check out an acting school in Los Angeles, California.  Says he may opt to take acting lessons instead of attending college.  Oy vey!

Arthur went on in his text…”I can earn more as a Hollywood actor than I ever will with a degree in business from an Ivy League”.  Is this kid nuts???  Last I checked UCLA has a Theater school and Yale has a Drama school.  Why can’t Arthur simply mix education with acting?

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Are Your Kids Driving You to Drink?

I have never been much of a drinker. However, at weddings and parties I may sample the house wine and sip one or two glasses, but that’s it. But, have you ever attended a party or an event and watched the ladies drink like they were sailors? I have – actually I was just at an event recently where the woman sitting next to me drank until she was completely inebriated and couldn’t even drive herself home. I listened to her as she belted down each drink and she was extremely upset with her daughter. Her daughter had recently “unfriended” her on Facebook. This apparently didn’t go over to well with the woman sitting next to me, by the name of Sandra.

Sandra was really pissed off at her daughter for no longer wanting to be her “friend” on Facebook and no longer speaking with her. Sandra said, “It’s been three weeks since that Bitch has called me. Three long weeks and I will not call her until she picks up the phone and apologizes to me!” So, I asked, “Why should she apologize to you?” Sandra said, “…because I carried that little witch for nine months and all because I said one mean thing about her boyfriend, she stops talking to me? I can’t believe this crap.” So, I said, “Why don’t you give her time to cool off and wait until you hear from her? She will eventually come around.” By this time, Sandra was so drunk that she started repeating the “B” word over and over. I told her, “It doesn’t make any sense to stay angry at your daughter. You are giving her boyfriend exactly what he wants. If your daughter is aware that you have issues with her current boyfriend, then voice those issues – but NOT on Facebook. You need to tell her privately how you feel. Give her a chance to digest your feelings and understand your point of view. But don’t ever call your daughter out on Facebook. That was a bad move.

I think as drunk as the lady was, she heard me loud and clear, but a friend of hers ushered her outside and drove her home. So, I am hoping she deletes the nasty Facebook messages and talks one-on-one with her daughter. Give your kids the same respect you’d like them to give back to you. It’s embarrassing to have your mother post something nasty about your boyfriend on Facebook. I think that’s what ticked her daughter off. But, there is always a “cooling off period” and after that blows over her daughter will call her and hopefully they can talk like adults, without using Facebook to get their message across.

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Typical Teen Behavior

Please define this???

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You Are Not The Boss of Me

One day I woke up and realized that my entire life was centered around my son. I found myself focused on him from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. So, I began to research this phenomenon, that many around the world call helicopter parenting and that is when I discovered I may have a serious problem. The term “helicopter parent” was originally coined by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay. According to Cline and Fay, like helicopters, mothers hover closely to their children, never being too far away or out of reach, whether the child needs them or not).

It’s like having a boss who micro-manages his employees. Nobody likes to be micro-managed and if you work for someone who monitors every aspect of the business process and pays extremely close attention to every single detail – then guess what, you’d probably quit.

The one common thread that helicopter parents and micro-managers have in common is CONTROL. The definition of control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events. Well guess what, this describes me to a “T”. My problem is that I always want be in CONTROL. However, as mothers unfortunately we cannot control our children. We must teach them right from wrong and pray that the values we have instilled in them as parents over the years, becomes apparent in the decisions they make throughout their lifetime.

At what point do I let go and allow my son to become a self-sufficient, contributing member of society? I keep asking myself this question and it continues to be an uphill battle for me, because I keep wanting to protect my son from life. I say this because I want to protect Arthur from any and all disappointment, hurt, suffering – anything that will cause him pain or grief. Why, because I only want the best for my son. I want to see him happy. I don’t think there are very many moms who want to see their kids sad.

The only problem with this way of thinking, is that my son will not always be happy. In order for Arthur to grow, he must unfortunately experience disappointment, pain and suffering. Arthur will not truly experience life and grow as a young man, unless and until he experiences life. Life comes with the good, bad and the ugly. Being a helicopter mom for the past 17-years, it’s been difficult for me to allow my son to make mistakes, learn and grow from those mistakes. I keep wanting to be there to prevent the mistakes from occurring. Sometimes, I wish I had a remote control device that could literally control all of his actions and emotions. This way I could ensure that Arthur made all the right decisions and avoided any and all mistakes.

Biology is the study of life and scientists have had a very difficult time defining life because life is a process. It took me over 18 years to realize that life is a process. And through that process, one must experience growth. The definition of growth is development from a lower or simpler to a higher or more complex form; evolution. Growth involves experiencing all that life has to offer in an uninhibited world.

However, as a helicopter mom, my son has been experiencing life in a very controlled environment. This unfortunately, will do nothing but prevent his personal growth. My behavior has not been beneficial to my son. Yes, I have protected him and shielded him from the world, but I have more than likely stunted his growth. My son has even told me things like, “Mom, please stop treating me like a 5-year old”, or “Mom, I am almost 18, I can walk to the store by myself”.

So, since my son is realizing that I am an “over-bearing, helicopter mom”, why is it so hard for me to stop? That is the question I must find the answer to. Let’s explore this phenomenon and let’s try to find the answers to the questions many moms like myself need answered.

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Teen Girls are More Likely to Off Their Helicopter Moms

If you have a teenage daughter and the two of you are not getting along – you’d better beware. If your daughter has a boyfriend and you don’t like her boyfriend, then please watch out for the obvious signs that could lead to the unthinkable. Girls between the ages of 14 and 17 who attach themselves to the so-called wrong kinda guy or bad boy are usually prime candidates for resenting their mothers so much that they often team up with their no good boyfriends and murder their helicopter moms. You read about it all the time, but sometimes no one makes the connection.

These young girls usually have very loving, attentive and caring mothers. Mothers who only want the best for their daughters. Unfortunately, teenage girls don’t always make the wisest choices when selecting a boyfriend. They sometimes end up with older, more controlling guys. These guys brainwash them into thinking life would be better without their meddling moms.  The girls are young and are sometimes totally controlled by these boyfriends.
You helicopter moms need to keep your eyes open and look for the signs:

Your daughter argues with you in order to spend more and more time with her boyfriend

Your daughter sneaks out of the house to see her boyfriend

Your daughter steals money from you to give it to her boyfriend

Your daughter constantly lies to you about her relationship with her boyfriend

Your daughter has mood swings, that vary from happy to extremely sad and almost hysterical when you place restrictions on her regarding seeing her boyfriend

Helicopter moms, you love your daughters but be careful, look for the signs and get counseling for your daughters before it’s too late.

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Teens Who Want to Divorce Their Helicopter Moms

I was reading an article today about an 18-year-old young girl, who lives at home with her parents. She views her mother as controlling and a bit too much at times. She has a boyfriend that she is madly in love with, but her mother totally disapproves of the guy. According to the teen, her mother wants to control when and where she sees her boyfriend and even impose a curfew. Her mom sets unrealistic house rules and even blurts out things like, “…you are never to move in with him until you are married”.

The problem here is that the 18-year-old wants to be treated like an adult but won’t be – until she starts acting like one. In today’s society, adulthood comes with more than just a number. Yes, she is 18 and in the state of Ohio she is recognized as an adult, but unfortunately she is a “dependent adult” whom depends solely on mommy and daddy for financial support.

In her letter to Dear Abby, the teen writes:

“I am technically an adult, which means to me that I can make my own decisions and suffer the consequences if there are any.

I know I live in my parents’ home. I follow their rules and respect their wishes – but this is a bit extreme, don’t you think?

Abby, please advise me on how to explain to my mom that I’m an adult and not a newborn baby as she regards me.

– Not a Child Anymore in Ohio”

I must agree with her, when she says she is technically an adult. However, in reality she is not. An adult is someone who is responsible for themselves. She needs to get a job, earn her room and board and ultimately her parents will respect and trust her. But, right now she is acting like a spoiled, ungrateful, little brat. The teen complains that he mother treats her like a “newborn baby”, but if you behave like a newborn, then you will be treated as such. Grow up and stop whining!

If you are sick and tired of your mommy being all in your business, then get a job, move out and get your own place. Start school (if you haven’t already) and begin to act like a young, responsible adult. Your mother isn’t hovering because she’s bored. She’s hovering because you are immature and she’s worried that you will make some really bad choices. (i.e. your current boyfriend) She doesn’t want to see you hurt. So, wake up and stop blaming your Helicopter Mom, she only means well.

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All in the Genes

I received over 100 emails requesting additional information on Stathmin. Without getting too scientific, because a scientist I am not. However, I will try to shed more light on this topic for you.  It seems that Gleb Shumyatsky, a geneticist at Rutgers University in New Jersey has been studying the role of Stathmin and its relationship to post-traumatic stress disorder, phobias, borderline personality disorders and human anxiety diseases.

In the study Shumyatsky examines how Stathmin controls both learned and innate fear.  Animals often have inborn fear for their natural predators or certain body movements that are predator like.  On the other hand, learned fears are a result of an animal’s experience.

Mice without Stathmin have deficiency in innate and learned fear.  Meaning these particular mice do not access threats well, which leads to lack of innate parental care and adult social interactions.  They lack motivation for retrieving pups and are unable to choose a safe location for nest-building.

So, I guess since I am such a paranoid Helicopter Mom, I must have way too much Stathmin in my DNA.  The mothers who simply don’t give a damn about their kids are the ones who lack Stathmin.  These are my personal opinions and conclusions and not those of any particular doctor or scientist.  After researching this topic further, I gathered that Helicopter Moms have way too much Stathmin, so now we need to find out what causes an abundance of Stathmin in humans?  I will research this and post on that topic at a later date.

What’s your DNA make-up?  Does your DNA make you less or more caring for your offspring?

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Blended Families

Many of you out there have blended families and sometimes it’s difficult to show favor to all of the kids, particularly when the child is not your biological offspring.  Many of you have gone through the baby-mama drama with your boyfriend’s, husband’s or fiance’s ex and it’s caused major turmoil in your relationship.  But, how can we not show too much favor to our biological children, which sometimes makes our stepchildren feeling left out or not as important as our own?  Well, this is not an easy situation.

After I was married several years ago, I wanted to be a stepmother to my husband’s three beautiful children.  But, his ex-wife was not having it.  She made it impossible for my husband to have visitation with his children and when we tried to ask her for monthly visits, we got the door slammed in our face.  So, it’s been hard for me to develop a relationship with my stepchildren.  I would like to treat them like my own blood, but how can I when their biological mother is insecure about my relationship with her children?

I never thought blending my family with my husband’s would be so difficult.  But, it has been an uphill battle since we said, “I Do”. His ex-wife set his kids against him, they rejected his telephone calls, said they wanted nothing to do with their father; all because he’d moved on and remarried.  His ex-wife’s anger took over and she made it impossible for us to grow closer to his biological children.

Now, several years later I wonder if it will ever happen?  If I will ever have a close relationship with my stepchildren.  I long for a special relationship with them.  I really do.  But, it looks bleak for me and possibly for some of you.  But, I would like to hear your comments.  Please post them here and let me know if you were able to have some sort of relationship with your stepchildren.  Did the ex-wife, ex-girlfriend or ex-fiance ever put her feelings aside and put those feelings of the children to the forefront? Tough question.  I am curious.

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Where Helicoptermoms Unite

Helicopter moms care so deeply for their children, that in the midst of their hovering they sometimes cause more pain than happiness in the lives of their children.  I know, because I am a helicopter mom and I have a seventeen year old son, whom I love dearly.  But, sometimes I have a difficult time letting go and allowing him to grow up and become an independent, young man.  As mothers we want our children to become productive contributors of society.  We would like to see them succeed and of course, we don’t want them to endure the growing pains that we ourselves have endured in the process of maturing and becoming adults.  We’ve made mistakes and learned some very harsh lessons from what I call the errs of life.

We want to protect our children, by completely shielding them from the misery and suffering that ultimately fosters growth. I am hoping that as a mother who is currently experiencing this phenomenon known to many as over-parenting, that I can tell my story and help other mothers voice their personal struggles and experiences as self-confessed helicopter moms.  Through this forum, we can come together and help one another.  I have been a helicopter mom since the birth of my son almost 18 years ago.  I started law school and didn’t finish because I feel the need to hover over my son to ensure he does not have so many problems I see teenage boys his age experiencing.  So many parts of my life have been placed “on hold”, because of my need and desire to control all aspects of my son’s life.

However, I want to stop trying to control his life and relinquish the reins to him, because he will be 18 in February of next year and if I don’t stop now, I am afraid I will do more harm than good.  I’ve watched many helicopter moms on talk shows like Dr. Phil, Anderson, Oprah and Good Morning America.  I don’t want to be one of those helicopter moms that ruins the relationship with my son and his future family.  Therefore, I need and want help and I’m hoping that by opening up this platform I can help other mothers who suffer from the “helicopter mom” disease.

We’ve gotta cut the umbilical cord and allow our children to grow up.  Yes, it may be difficult at times but we must learn to trust their decisions and trust they’ve learned the valuable lessons we’ve taught them.  If we don’t get help now, unfortunately our actions will have a profoundly negative impact on the lives of our children.  The children we love so dearly.

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Overparenting equals Neurotic Kids

I read an article a few days ago about helicopter moms who raised neurotic children.  I can only hope that my son does not become neurotic since I am truly a helicopter mamma.  I don’t see myself changing anytime soon and as I write a new book about my experiences as a helicopter mamma and how it’s affecting my life, my husband, my close and extended family and friends – I can’t imagine my life any different that it is today. I always wonder how my son is doing and if he is OK.  Even while he is at school.  I still worry and pray that he is alright.

I know this is an illness, this thing called over-parenting, but how can I stop?  I read once that a study was done on mice who hover over their newborns and there was something in a certain region of the brain (within the mice) that caused this over-protective behavior.  It was called Stathmin.  It caused a fear factor to reside within the mamma mice.  I wonder if this is what’s causing my fear?  I hope not.  I feel like a protective mamma bear.  I want to make sure my son is always happy and always doing well.

In the coming months, as I get closer to publication of my new book, I will post where you can purchase it.  I am hoping that by writing, I can help others and myself overcome being acute helicopter mammas.  If we can’t be so overly protective, can we still be minutely protective?  Or does it have to be one way or they other?

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