Hovering Creates Rotten Teens

Still Hovering?

I honestly don’t believe that hovering creates rotten teens. I think the teen was born rotten to begin with or was possibly influenced by friends at school or in their neighborhood. Nobody can make a child good or evil; the kid is just innately bad or innately good. If someone is rotten to the core, then the core needs work before you can see light shining from that individual.

My stepson had a run-in with the law last year. My husband blamed himself over and over for his son getting in trouble. I told my husband that we as parents cannot control the actions of our children. We can only pray they make the right decisions and hope they learn from the examples we set for them. Being a Helicopter Mom does not make me a bad person. It means that I care deeply for my son. I want him to be happy, so happy that sometimes I wish I could control every aspect of his life. That’s not a good thing, but it’s better than being an “uninvolved parent”. I guess too much or too little of anything isn’t good. But, I firmly believe that if a child sees his or her parents doing good and noble deeds, then he too will follow their lead. However, if he or she still behaves badly; then they are innately bad to the core.

Bad behavior results in negative outcomes. Once they get enough negative outcomes, maybe they will begin to do positive things. All we can do is pray and lead by example. That helps too!

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Are Your Kids Driving You to Drink?

I have never been much of a drinker. However, at weddings and parties I may sample the house wine and sip one or two glasses, but that’s it. But, have you ever attended a party or an event and watched the ladies drink like they were sailors? I have – actually I was just at an event recently where the woman sitting next to me drank until she was completely inebriated and couldn’t even drive herself home. I listened to her as she belted down each drink and she was extremely upset with her daughter. Her daughter had recently “unfriended” her on Facebook. This apparently didn’t go over to well with the woman sitting next to me, by the name of Sandra.

Sandra was really pissed off at her daughter for no longer wanting to be her “friend” on Facebook and no longer speaking with her. Sandra said, “It’s been three weeks since that Bitch has called me. Three long weeks and I will not call her until she picks up the phone and apologizes to me!” So, I asked, “Why should she apologize to you?” Sandra said, “…because I carried that little witch for nine months and all because I said one mean thing about her boyfriend, she stops talking to me? I can’t believe this crap.” So, I said, “Why don’t you give her time to cool off and wait until you hear from her? She will eventually come around.” By this time, Sandra was so drunk that she started repeating the “B” word over and over. I told her, “It doesn’t make any sense to stay angry at your daughter. You are giving her boyfriend exactly what he wants. If your daughter is aware that you have issues with her current boyfriend, then voice those issues – but NOT on Facebook. You need to tell her privately how you feel. Give her a chance to digest your feelings and understand your point of view. But don’t ever call your daughter out on Facebook. That was a bad move.

I think as drunk as the lady was, she heard me loud and clear, but a friend of hers ushered her outside and drove her home. So, I am hoping she deletes the nasty Facebook messages and talks one-on-one with her daughter. Give your kids the same respect you’d like them to give back to you. It’s embarrassing to have your mother post something nasty about your boyfriend on Facebook. I think that’s what ticked her daughter off. But, there is always a “cooling off period” and after that blows over her daughter will call her and hopefully they can talk like adults, without using Facebook to get their message across.

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Beware of Mom

Jennifer admits she’s constantly hovering over her three children, especially her 17-year-old daughter Kim. She admits to calling Kim’s cell phone multiple times a day and following her to her friends’ houses, the mall and even cheer-leading practice.

Could Jennifer’s hovering ruin her relationship with Kim? Jennifer should probably not follow Kim to cheer-leading practice. The mall is OK, because they can go their own separate ways and shop in different stores. Malls are large and nobody has to know Jennifer is in Macy’s shopping, while Kim’s shopping at Forever 21.

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All in the Genes

I received over 100 emails requesting additional information on Stathmin. Without getting too scientific, because a scientist I am not. However, I will try to shed more light on this topic for you.  It seems that Gleb Shumyatsky, a geneticist at Rutgers University in New Jersey has been studying the role of Stathmin and its relationship to post-traumatic stress disorder, phobias, borderline personality disorders and human anxiety diseases.

In the study Shumyatsky examines how Stathmin controls both learned and innate fear.  Animals often have inborn fear for their natural predators or certain body movements that are predator like.  On the other hand, learned fears are a result of an animal’s experience.

Mice without Stathmin have deficiency in innate and learned fear.  Meaning these particular mice do not access threats well, which leads to lack of innate parental care and adult social interactions.  They lack motivation for retrieving pups and are unable to choose a safe location for nest-building.

So, I guess since I am such a paranoid Helicopter Mom, I must have way too much Stathmin in my DNA.  The mothers who simply don’t give a damn about their kids are the ones who lack Stathmin.  These are my personal opinions and conclusions and not those of any particular doctor or scientist.  After researching this topic further, I gathered that Helicopter Moms have way too much Stathmin, so now we need to find out what causes an abundance of Stathmin in humans?  I will research this and post on that topic at a later date.

What’s your DNA make-up?  Does your DNA make you less or more caring for your offspring?

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Blended Families

Many of you out there have blended families and sometimes it’s difficult to show favor to all of the kids, particularly when the child is not your biological offspring.  Many of you have gone through the baby-mama drama with your boyfriend’s, husband’s or fiance’s ex and it’s caused major turmoil in your relationship.  But, how can we not show too much favor to our biological children, which sometimes makes our stepchildren feeling left out or not as important as our own?  Well, this is not an easy situation.

After I was married several years ago, I wanted to be a stepmother to my husband’s three beautiful children.  But, his ex-wife was not having it.  She made it impossible for my husband to have visitation with his children and when we tried to ask her for monthly visits, we got the door slammed in our face.  So, it’s been hard for me to develop a relationship with my stepchildren.  I would like to treat them like my own blood, but how can I when their biological mother is insecure about my relationship with her children?

I never thought blending my family with my husband’s would be so difficult.  But, it has been an uphill battle since we said, “I Do”. His ex-wife set his kids against him, they rejected his telephone calls, said they wanted nothing to do with their father; all because he’d moved on and remarried.  His ex-wife’s anger took over and she made it impossible for us to grow closer to his biological children.

Now, several years later I wonder if it will ever happen?  If I will ever have a close relationship with my stepchildren.  I long for a special relationship with them.  I really do.  But, it looks bleak for me and possibly for some of you.  But, I would like to hear your comments.  Please post them here and let me know if you were able to have some sort of relationship with your stepchildren.  Did the ex-wife, ex-girlfriend or ex-fiance ever put her feelings aside and put those feelings of the children to the forefront? Tough question.  I am curious.

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Feeling Neutral Today

I am trying to remain neutral about the decisions my son will make about his future.  I would like for him to attend a college nearby, not more than a two-hour drive away.  Of course, I would like to be able to visit with him on the weekends and holidays, but my husband is hoping my son attends a college in another state.  That is a big move for someone so young, particularly if they don’t have any close friends or relatives in that “new” state.

My son will be applying to state colleges, UC colleges and a few Ivy League schools.  He has a great chance of being accepted to an Ivy League and wherever he goes, well – I plan to follow as his mother.  Am I wrong?  I want to be near my son should he have any problems, then he can come to myself and my husband for help or advice.  He’s talking about moving to Boston, New York and even Philadelphia and I am looking for apartments in each of those areas.  I promised my son that I would not get involved in his personal or professional life, but I would like to be a springboard should he need me.

Please let me know if I am wrong or if there are any other mothers who feel the same way I do.

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You are Not the Boss of Me

One day I woke up and realized that my entire life was centered around my son. I found myself focused on him from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. So, I began to research this “phenomenon”, that many around the world call “helicopter parenting” and that is when I discovered that I may have a serious problem. The term “helicopter parent” was originally coined by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay, in their 1990 book entitled, “Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility”. According to Cline and Fay, like helicopters, mothers hover closely to their children, never being too far away or out of reach (whether the child needs them or not).

It’s like having a boss who “micro-manages” his employee. Nobody likes to be micro-managed and if you work for someone who monitors every aspect of the business process and pays extremely close attention to every single detail – then guess what, you’d quit!The one common thread that helicopter parents and micro-managers have in common is CONTROL. The definition of control is “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.” Well guess what, this describes me to a “T”. My problem is that I always want be in CONTROL. However, as mothers unfortunately we cannot control our children. We must teach them right from wrong and pray that the values we have instilled in them as parents over the years, becomes apparent in the decisions they make throughout their lifetime.At what point do I let go and allow my son to become a self-sufficient, contributing member of society? I keep asking myself this question and it continues to be an uphill battle for me, because I keep wanting to protect my son from life. I say this because I want to protect Arthur from any and all disappointment, hurt, suffering – anything that will cause him pain or grief. Why, because I only want the best for my son. I want to see him happy.

I don’t think there are very many moms who want to see their kids sad.The only problem with this way of thinking, is that my son will not always be happy. In order for Arthur to grow, he must unfortunately experience disappointment, pain and suffering. Arthur will not truly experience life and grow as a young man, unless and until he experiences life. Life comes with the good, bad and the ugly. Being a helicopter mom for the past 17-years, it’s been difficult for me to allow my son to make mistakes, learn and grow from those mistakes. I keep wanting to be there to prevent the mistakes from occurring. Sometimes, I wish I had a remote control device that could literally control all of his actions and emotions. This way I could ensure that Arthur made all the right decisions and avoided any and all mistakes.Biology is the study of life and scientists have had a very difficult time defining life because life is a process. It took me over 18 years to realize that life is a process. And through that process, one must experience growth. The definition of growth is “development from a lower or simpler to a higher or more complex form; evolution”. Growth involves experiencing all that life has to offer in an uninhibited world.

However, as a helicopter mom, my son has been experiencing life in a very controlled environment. This unfortunately, will do nothing but prevent his personal growth. My behavior has not been beneficial to my son. Yes, I have protected him and shielded him from the world, but I have indeed stunted his growth. My son has even told me things like, “Mom, please stop treating me like a 5-year old”, or “Mom, I am almost 18, I can walk to the store by myself”.

So, since my son is realizing that I am an over-bearing, helicopter mom, why is it so hard for me to stop? That is the question that I must find the answer to. Let’s explore this phenomenon and let’s try to find the answers to the questions, that many moms like myself need answered.

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